In today’s fast-paced, swipe-heavy dating culture, finding a meaningful connection can feel nearly impossible. We’re bombarded with endless options, yet genuine compatibility seems harder to find than ever.
If you’ve ever asked yourself:
- “How do I know if someone is truly right for me?”
- “Can chemistry grow over time, or is it instant?”
- “What qualities should I prioritize in a partner?”
…then this guide is for you.
We will break down the four crucial steps to determining whether someone is a good long-term match—plus how to avoid the pitfalls of modern dating.
And if you’re looking for a fun way to meet new people while working on your dating skills, check out Chatib.us, a free random chat platform where you can practice conversations and build confidence in a low-pressure environment.
Why Modern Dating Feels So Hard
Before diving into the four steps, it’s important to understand why dating today feels so difficult.
1. The Dopamine Trap of Dating Apps
Dating apps are designed to keep us swiping, matching, and chasing the next thrill. The constant novelty triggers dopamine hits, making it harder to focus on one person long enough to build real chemistry.
🔹 Solution: Limit app usage and focus on quality over quantity.
2. Superficial Connections Replace Depth
Instead of letting attraction develop naturally, we judge potential partners within seconds based on photos and short bios. Many great matches get overlooked simply because they don’t “stand out” in a split-second decision.
🔹 Solution: Give people a chance beyond first impressions—some of the best relationships start slow.
3. Fear of “Settling” vs. Power of “Choosing”
Many singles fear “settling” for someone who isn’t “perfect,” but Matthew Hussey reframes this as “settling on someone”—a conscious choice to invest in a person and grow together.
🔹 Key Insight:
“The best relationships aren’t about finding perfection—they’re about choosing someone and building something great together.”
Step 1: Chemistry vs. Compatibility—What’s the Difference?
Chemistry = The Spark
Chemistry is that magnetic pull you feel toward someone. It can be:
- Physical (attraction, sexual tension)
- Emotional (deep conversations, laughter)
- Intellectual (stimulating discussions, shared curiosity)
But chemistry alone isn’t enough for a lasting relationship.
Compatibility = The Foundation
Compatibility determines whether a relationship works long-term. Key factors include:
✔ Shared values (honesty, loyalty, lifestyle)
✔ Future goals (marriage, kids, career priorities)
✔ Communication styles (how you handle conflict)
✔ Timing (are you both ready for commitment?)
Danger Zone: Many people stay in toxic or unsatisfying relationships because of strong chemistry—even when compatibility is missing.
Step 2: The 4 Levels of Relationship Potential
Matthew Hussey outlines four levels to assess whether a relationship can last:
| Level | What It Means | Why It Matters |
|---|---|---|
| 1. Admiration | You’re attracted, but they may not know you exist. | Low importance—just a crush. |
| 2. Mutual Attraction (Chemistry) | You both like each other. | Fun, but not enough for commitment. |
| 3. Commitment | You both say “yes” to a relationship. | Necessary, but still not enough. |
| 4. Compatibility | Your lives, values, and goals align. | This is what makes love last. |
Most people get stuck at Level 2 (chemistry) and never reach Level 4 (compatibility).
Step 3: Can Chemistry Grow Over Time?
False Chemistry: Anxiety vs. Attraction
Many people confuse anxiety (hot-and-cold behavior, ghosting, emotional rollercoasters) with real chemistry.
Example:
- If you feel more attracted when someone ignores you, that’s anxious attachment, not true connection.
Real Chemistry: When Slow Burns Work
Sometimes, attraction builds gradually as you get to know someone’s personality.
Example:
- Coworkers who develop crushes after months of working together.
- Friends who suddenly see each other in a new light.
Key Takeaway:
- If you feel nothing on the first date, a second date may not help.
- But if there’s some intrigue, give it time—real chemistry can develop.
Step 4: The Qualities That Actually Matter in a Partner
We often prioritize the wrong things in dating:
High standards for:
- Looks
- Status
- Charm
- “Spark”
Low standards for:
- Kindness
- Loyalty
- Emotional safety
- Shared values
Step 5: Must-Have Qualities for a Lasting Relationship
- They Make You Feel Like Your Best Self
- Do you feel energized or drained around them?
- Can you be your true self with them?
- They’re a Great Teammate
- Do they support your goals?
- Can you rely on them in tough times?
- They Align With Your Non-Negotiables
- What values are essential for you? (Honesty, ambition, family-oriented, etc.)
- They Communicate Openly
- Do they handle conflict maturely?
- Can you discuss difficult topics without fear?
- They’re Emotionally Available
- Are they ready for commitment?
- Or are they still stuck in past relationships?
How to Apply This in Real Life
1. Stop Swiping, Start Choosing
Instead of endlessly searching for “the one,” focus on building something real with someone who meets your core needs.
2. Practice Dating with Intention
- Use Chatib.us to practice conversations and build confidence.
- Go on fewer but more meaningful dates.
3. Ask the Right Questions Early
- “What are you looking for in a relationship?”
- “How do you handle disagreements?”
- “What does your ideal future look like?”
The best relationships aren’t about waiting for “perfect chemistry”—they’re about choosing someone and growing together.
