Dating is definitely not what it used to be; there are now new thoughts about dating. People are getting married later, polyamory is at an all-time high (for real), and women are no longer expected to play the role of Betty Housewife with a pie in the oven and a baby on their arm all day. With more single millennials and Gen Z’s than all of the generations prior, it’s a more competitive dating world than ever before.
Research shows that more and more people are “opting out”, so to speak, after first dates because there are so many options to choose from; we can blame or thank dating apps for that, depending on how you look at it. With more single people in this day and age, and easier ways to meet other singles, people are choosing to spend their time meeting multiple people rather than dedicate their free time to just one potential interest.
Fun Fact: In the 1950’s, people who were married outweighed the number of people who were single by 37.1 million. In 2015, the same census showed the gap to be 12.1 million.
We’re also living in a time where the “rules” are slowly changing, as well as the stereotypical roles expected to be played by each gender (cue aforementioned Betty Housewife). Often times, this leaves us confused on what is still acceptable and expected, where the boundaries are drawn, and how to score a second date. Personally, as a millennial, I have a considerable amount of both male and female friends who are single for various reasons. However, almost all of them agree on the following 10 modern-day thoughts.
1. Keep Your Freedom, And Give Them Theirs
Do you have that friend who disappears every time they get into a relationship? Are you that person who neglects their friends and family to spend all your time with your partner? If so, I strongly advise you to stop doing what you’re doing. At this moment, to read this, and in your relationships moving forward about this very important one of the new thoughts about dating.
One of my best friends is this guy. Self-admittedly, he will get into a relationship and go years without talking to his friends. He and his girlfriend will spend all of their time together; they’ll put a halt on their social lives and fall into a routine of getting home from work, making dinner, watching a movie, and going to bed. He does this every. single. time.
Ask me if he’s currently single (he is).
There are a multitude of reasons, both fact and opinion based, that show how unhealthy it is to not give your partner freedom. Firstly, it usually stems from one of two things: Insecurity and/or codependency.
Studies show that partners who are insecure are less likely to give each other space and freedom, in fear of their partner discovering that they don’t want to be in a relationship anymore and leaving them. Insecurity comes from a lack of trust, and trust is easily the most important foundation of a relationship, next to communication. Without trust, the relationship is bound to fail. Additionally, if your partner has given you any reason to feel insecure…. I mean. Well. You probably shouldn’t be together in the first place.
Codependency is equally as big of a reason why couples don’t give each other freedom; you’re afraid to function on your own, or simply don’t want to.
I cannot stress how important freedom is in a relationship, both for yourself and as a couple. It’s great to enjoy each other’s company; after all, that’s why you’re together! But if you don’t snag some alone time and keep your relationships with your friends and family going, you’re bound to lose sight of who you are and the things you enjoy. It’s also a great way to build trust for each other. She wants to grab drinks with her friends, or he wants to go on a golfing trip with the boys? Great! Chances are they’re either coming home to you after, and you’re giving yourselves a chance to actually miss one another and look forward to when you reunite.
2. Throw Out The Checklist
There’s a movie called The Ugly Truth with a scene in the beginning that (sadly) reminds me of some of my girlfriends. Katherine Heigl is on a first date with Kevin Connelly. She legit pulls out an actual list she printed out that consists of information on him she found on Google, key talking points for a date, and the checkmarks he receives on her list of what she’s looking for in a man. It’s a hilarious scene to me because it’s a dramatized version of what a lot of people are mentally doing on a first date.
Spoiler Alert: You cannot build the perfect partner. There are things that are bound to not fit into what you’re looking for, but it all comes down to dealbreakers that actually matter. These dealbreakers should be so minimal that you don’t need a list to keep them straight. That is what absolutely makes this one of the top new thoughts about dating.
I absolutely hate being interrupted. I also hate ordering individual meals on dinner dates (I’m a sharer, and I love ordering multiple dishes to try everything). I’m extremely close to my family, and raising my kids in CA where my parents can drive to see their grandkids is important to me. Lastly, I value my freedom immensely. I will not alter my friendships for a guy, and I also sometimes will want to hang out with my friends or take trips without him coming along.
Why am I telling you this? To show the difference between things that should and shouldn’t be on a “checklist”. Raising a family in CA, for me, is on my checklist because it’s important to me. Same with my freedom, I have to have it. (If I sound like a nightmare to you, rest assured; chances of us dating are unlikely so it’s okay.)
As for being interrupted or forced to order my own entree? Sure, it knocks off a couple points if I’m on a date with a guy who won’t let me finish a sentence or steal a french fry, but I’m not going to write him off because of it. Because that is insane.
If you spend your whole life searching for someone who fulfills all your expectations, you’ll be single forever and probably miss out on some awesome relationships. I’m absolutely not telling you to lower your expectations, but ditch the checklist and see what happens.
3. Resolving Arguments Via Text/Email Is Beneficial
Seriously. It’s backed by numerous studies and research. Couples are more likely to resolve a fight with written communication as opposed to in person, and this actually didn’t come as a shock to me!
When you’re in a fight and things are escalating, your body language and tone of voice are massive contributing factors. A simple eye roll or raised voice can make things ten times worse, and you’re also more likely to say something you prrrrrobably shouldn’t if the tension is high.
However, if you’re formulating your thoughts and choice of words by writing them out, you’re more likely to say what you want to say in the way you want to say it (try saying that five times fast). Sometimes, in business and in my personal life, I’ll write out bullet points before a phone call so that I don’t forget anything. It works wonders for my communication, and this goes hand-in-hand in dating when you’re trying to get your partner to see where you’re coming from.
4. Lay Off The Social Media Stalking
We’re in a digital world, and social media is a giant part of our lives. It’s engaging, it’s fun, it’s addicting. It’s also the culprit for a lot of breakups, unfortunately.
We’re all guilty of it! You’re dating someone new, your friends are asking about their ex and their cute friends, what better way to find these things out than stalking their socials?
Innocent scrolling often times leads to you seeing if they’re still following their ex, if their ex is following them, if they’ve commented or “liked” their photos since you started dating; pretty soon you’re somehow staring at a picture of said ex’s second cousin’s birthday party two years ago that was posted by their brother-in-law’s great uncle.
Nothing—and I mean NOTHING—good comes from stalking this hard. You’ll eventually see that he “liked” an Instagram model’s photo two days ago, or that she’s still friendly with her ex-boyfriend’s sister, and your mind is going to go a million different directions of blowing it out of proportion. YOU are the one they’re currently dating, don’t get tied up in obsessing over their past.
If your partner gives you a reason not to trust them, that’s one thing. But don’t go searching for reasons as to why you shouldn’t. Lay off the social stalking and give your anxiety a break.
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5. Posture Is More Important Than You Think
This is one of my favorites because it’s information I recently learned, backed by research and statistics, that I didn’t really think was a thing that applied to me… Until I went out with friends a few days later.
It was a weekend and we were at a bar in LA was packed to the brim. Candidly, my single friends and I go there often because it’s an incredibly good-looking crowd and a successful place to meet a potential love interest. However, on nights like this one was, it’s tough to meet anyone new because there are so many people that you end up posted in a corner you claim.
That said, I was immediately drawn to a guy standing halfway across the patio. Sure he was attractive, but with the study I had just read on posture/attraction, I realized that the reason I sourced him out amongst the crowd was because of how he was standing. He had this amazing posture that made him look confident in a crowd of people that weren’t standing as properly.
Low and behold, research on dating wins again (insert emoji here of blonde girl facepalming herself). Posture is a thing.
Studies show that OVER 80% (!!!) of women are attracted to the way a man stands before he even speaks. In conclusion, carry yourself in a way that would make your grandmother proud.
6. Meeting Someone At A Bar Or Nightclub Is Okay. I Promise.
Although it’s not the most romantic or ideal place, don’t be afraid of the idea that your future husband/wife might be at the club you were at last weekend. All too often I’ve had single friends go out dancing or drinking, meet a guy, then tell me “He’s great but I met him at a club, ughhhh.”
….. Why is this such a dealbreaker?! You were there too! There’s too much pressure on people who are looking for love to meet their future person at an ideal location. This isn’t a rom-com, and if you limit yourself to only dating people you meet whilst strolling through a park or volunteering at an animal shelter, you’re preventing yourself from so many Could Have Beens just because you don’t want to tell your grandkids that you guys met at 1AM while trying to hold up your friend who’d had too many margaritas.
My best friend met her husband of 7 years at a club in LA when we were in our early 20’s. Thankfully he persistently courted her, because she was the person I’m talking about who refused to date someone she met at a watering hole. Now they’re happily in love and couldn’t be more perfect for each other.
It’s okay to take someone seriously that you meet when you’re out. It doesn’t mean they’re a degenerate, or that they’re there to pick up a different guy or girl every night. It just means you were both enjoying yourselves with friends and happened to be in the right place at the right time.
7. Walk, Don’t Run, To Marriage
Marriage shouldn’t be a sprint. If you’re dying to settle down, it can really take a toll on your judgment of character when it comes to meeting people. You’ve lowered your standards from “the perfect someone”, you’ve given into dating apps, you’re leaving the house every chance you get so that you have a better probability of meeting someone special. All of these are great, don’t get me wrong. But you also never, ever want to settle; which is what ends up happening when you’ve set a marriage timeline for yourself and you’re coming closer and closer to the deadline you’ve set.
People who are trying to get married as soon as possible tend to move quicker than usual in the dating phase. The I Love You’s come after a month, you’re talking about moving in together within 3 months, by month 5 you’re leaving tabs open on his browser of diamond rings on jewelry websites (hint, hint).
The problem here is that you’re so in your head about tying the knot that you’re not focusing on learning about the person you’re trying to spend the rest of your life with. Dating is called the honeymoon phase for a reason- and it’s not to try and go on your actual honeymoon in a year’s time. It’s the time you’re falling in love, everything is new and exciting, you’re growing individually and as a couple. Enjoy this time to truly see if you’re right for each other, don’t rush into a marriage with someone who’s still somewhat of a stranger.
8. Men, Wear Blue. Women, Wear Red.
These are statistically proven to be the colors romantic interests are drawn to. This goes for both trying to meet someone and also on a first date. Women have said that blue on men catches their eye more than any other color, and makes men look confident and successful.
Men, when asked the same question, said that a woman in red is more likely to catch their eye than any other color. They find it sexy and seducing, as well as confident and feminine.
9. Stop With The “3-Day Rule”
What was once believed to be the perfect amount of time before calling or texting someone you went on a date with, in order to not let too much time pass where they lose interest but also to not appear too eager, is no longer an important thing in modern dating.
There are many reasons why this “rule” has been buried, but the main one is that between the digital age of dating apps and “sliding into DMs” mixed with more single people than ever before, the options have become endless and our attention spans have become shorter.
I’ve been single for two years. For me, I’m not trying to get into a relationship because I’m loving where my focus is on career and loved ones. However, I enjoy dating around because A) it’s fun and I’m a human, and B) I like learning about what I do and don’t enjoy in a partner so that when I eventually settle down, I’ll know exactly what I’m attracted to.
That said, as someone single and going on a considerable amount of first dates, if the guy and I don’t talk within the next day or two after our first date, my attention has moved onto someone else. He could be a great guy! It has nothing to do with the person usually, it’s because the dating pool is so wide now that nobody is going to sit around waiting for their phone to vibrate.
Because of this, texting someone the next day doesn’t come off as too eager because it’s become the social norm we are now accustomed to. Don’t be afraid to make the first move or making it too early, I promise you that you won’t scare your interest off.
10. Girls Are Getting Ballsy
It’s true. I am one, so I know for a fact that this one of the new thoughts about dating is definitely not a myth. This one shouldn’t turn your world upside down, as it’s no secret that we’re in a progressive time, and women are stepping up to bat. We’re fighting against sexual harassment, fighting for equal rights, and paving a lot of paths in every career field. With that same confidence, women are taking charge in the dating world as well.
This is no longer a time where the man has to call first, or women stand around social gatherings waiting to be approached; women nowadays are more likely to approach a man they find attractive and strike up conversation. It’s become an equal playing field, though some people on both sides find this to be intimidating.
Bottom line: Ladies, it’s completely normal to hit on a guy. Chances are they won’t run away because they feel emasculated, which is a normal fear for a lot of women; thus preventing them from making a move they want to make. Slide into those DMs, girl.
Men: Concurrently, don’t be intimidated by a woman approaching you. It’s 2019, it happens all the time, take it as a compliment and respect her confidence.
Side note: I will say that personally I still enjoy when men take charge, and that most of us women are indecisive about the little things, so if you’re a male reading this then don’t hesitate to pick the time and place for a date. And for Pete’s sake, just pick up the tab on the first outing.
In conclusion, dating in modern society is different than it used to be, and you don’t always have to follow the rules. Also, take it at a slow pace and let your love life happen the way it’s meant to happen; life is short, enjoy it and don’t stress yourself out over dating. Dating can be fun, it’s supposed to be!
