There are several secrets about dating that no one will tell you. When it comes to dating, we as a society have become less traditional and more assertive. Long gone are the days of sweeping romantic gestures, courting, and marrying your high school sweetheart. Dating was so easy to navigate back in the 50’s for example; where you graduate college, get married at 20, start a 9-5 whilst the wife knits at home before it’s time for her to make dinner. Nowadays, it’s like trying to solved a Rubik’s Cube without any color coordination.
Millennials and Gen Z have set the timeline on marriage to be much, much later than it used to be, and are spending their 20’s traveling and dating around (in some cases, sleeping around as well if we’re going to be honest). It has become completely normal to be single in your 30’s and 40’s, whereas you would’ve been labeled as a “spinster” or “playboy” in previous decades.
Because of this tidal shift in history, dating is more complicated than ever before. Although it’s incredibly easy to gossip with your friends or pick their brains about your latest date and updates on your love life, there are still so many grey areas on what’s acceptable that people choose to keep to themselves. Keep in mind that that’s just referring to private interactions with your friends; forget about knowing where to set the boundaries on appropriate information to share on a date!
It’s almost impossible to navigate the dating world when everything we’ve learned about it from our parents and ancestors doesn’t apply anymore, and often times we find it useless to consult our friends or click through endless Google searches to try and crack the code on dating do’s, don’ts, and expectations in 2019. Everyone has a different opinion now, given that the metaphorical rulebook has been thrown out and people are no longer societally afraid to do things how they want to do them.
So where do we draw the new line of mixing traditionally acceptable behavior and current conformism? It’s a new world of “To Each Their Own”, but here are five secrets about modern dating that everyone seems to be too hesitant to actually talk about.
1. Talking About Your Ex Is Okay (To An Extent)
Nobody wants to hear you go on and on about your ex or your memories together. But the fact of the matter is that everyone has a romantic past, usually one that has helped shape the person they are today. When you’re in a relationship, you learn a lot about yourself and from the other person.
My last boyfriend taught me how to be a better communicator, how to be more present, and how to listen well. My ex before that taught me that I’ll never date another professional baseball player again. We learn so much from our past, (hopefully) grow from it, and I find it fascinating that a lot of people expect their significant other to never share that piece of their history with them. It’s strange to pretend like a giant chunk of your love life never happened, and even stranger not to share it with the person you’re trying to get to know on an intimate level.
One of my favorite questions to ask and be asked on dates is “When was your last relationship?”, followed by the gutsy “Why did you guys break up?” The reason I love these questions is because I feel that it’s a sign of maturity to openly communicate about a touchy subject, and also because I understand the important role previous relationships played at one point in our lives. It’s a great way to get to know someone in great depth, yet too many people are afraid to talk and ask about it.
I always give a little disclaimer before launching into the topic, something like “If talking about exes makes you uncomfortable, let me know, I just think they played a big role in our lives so it’s kinda weird not to share”… It sounds less awkward when I say it aloud than when I look at it in writing, but I promise it works.
Opening up about your ex is one thing, but don’t overdo it. It’s easy to go off on tangents sometimes, but 100% nobody cares about her favorite movie or where your first date was.
2. It’s Okay To Have Sex Early On
Why not make the most audacious secret on our list #2?
Over time, the prominence of sex has lessened in value and meaning. Back in the uncomplicated days of dating in previous generations, sex wasn’t even thought about until marriage or, at the very least, when you’re faaaaar down the line of dating and are with the person you’re certain you’re spending your life with. Nowadays, it’s been deemed appropriate to casually sleep around, which is something that media has had a strong influence on.
Take most of the popular shows to date, for example. Sex and the City, Friends, every CW show ever made, the list goes on of television shows (and music) where everyone is sleeping with everyone. People are putting less of an emphasis on the emotional aspect of sex with a new partner, and often times are having it a heck of a lot sooner than they’re telling their friends they did.
Why are people still holding back from openly telling their friends that they slept with someone on the first or second date, you ask? Because, again, we’re in a complicated time in history when it comes to dating, and it’s hard to gage who finds what appropriate and inappropriate. That’s why this is labeled as a “secret” I’m sharing with you.
I feel inclined to say that I’m absolutely not condoning a lifestyle of sleeping around with whomever you make eye contact with; not everyone in this generation is doing that. It’s incredibly true that sex is a very intimate thing, and that you’re giving a part of yourself to someone. I’m purely stating the facts on what society has turned it into, as well as why you shouldn’t beat yourself up about sleeping with someone before x-y-z date.
Back to my point. Everyone in my close-knit group of girlfriends is hesitant to share if they’ve slept with a new guy early on, because they’re in fear of being judged. Truthfully, they’re also holding back from sharing because they’re afraid that they ruined things by having sex too early on and are too ashamed to say it aloud.
The one common ground that most of my girlfriends stand on is the fear that if they sleep with someone too soon, he’ll never call her again.
Here’s the cold, hard truth about that: If you’re waiting to have sex with a new person because you’re afraid that that’s all they want from you, it doesn’t matter if you sleep with them on the first, second, or fifth date; if that is, in fact, all they want from you, they’re still going to stop seeing you. Because they’re a terrible human being and should’ve made their intentions clear from the beginning.
Thankfully though, that’s usually not the case. There doesn’t have to be an exact timeline or formula as to when it’s okay to have sex with someone you’re dating. The age-old myth of someone respecting their partner less because of sex after the first or first few dates is exactly that; a myth. I have seen long-term relationships that came after having sex on the first date, and I’ve seen relationships crash and burn after a few short months between two people who waited for awhile to have sex.
Every connection between two people is different, and it’s simply not true that early-stage sex ruins all potential future relationships.
Is it possible that sex can ruin things by happening too quickly? Absolutely, but it’s not black and white on either end. Use your judge of character to the max in determining when to have sex with a new interest, but don’t be afraid of sleeping together too soon.
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3. Astrological Signs Reeeeeeally Don’t Matter In Dating (Sorry)
This is backed by science. Once again, science has proven that there is absolutely no connection between signs and compatibility. The University of Manchester conducted a study of 10 million marriages in the U.K. and each couples’ astrology sign partnered with marriage and divorce. The study found that astrological signs have no impact on the probability of marriage and staying married.
If you’re a true-blue believer in astrology, please note that I’m not discrediting astrology in its entirety; I’m simply sharing factual evidence that supports the success of love and marriage between “incompatible signs”, which many people steer clear from in the belief that it’s doomed to fail.
This is good news for the next time you or a love interest asks the ever-so-popular “What’s your sign?” question, because it’s a good way to get to know someone by sharing with each other how you both feel you identify with your respective signs, but now you don’t have to worry about lack of compatibility amongst yourselves. Leave that to be determined by things like whether or not you think pineapple belongs on pizza.
Where you CAN benefit from in terms of zodiac signs and relationships, if you follow astrology, is knowing how to best communicate with your partner and what buttons not to push. Either way, don’t let incompatible signs keep you away from your possible future spouse!
4. You Don’t Need To Have Everything In Common
You really don’t. After all, what’s the fun in that? If you and your partner are the exact same person with the exact same interests, neither of you will ever get to experience new things or learn from one another. Sure, it’s absolutely fun to have similar interests and dating someone who is the total opposite of you might not be the best idea (despite the famous phrase “opposites attract”). But too many people put a discriminatory attitude towards someone they go on a date with who doesn’t seem to enjoy all the same things.
It’s absolutely insane the reasons that both my guy and girlfriends have told me they’ve stopped dating someone over, and it all boils down to people trying too hard to find someone exactly like them.
Admittedly, I’ve been extremely beyond guilty of this before. I’ve gone on a date or two with a guy where I learn that we have different tastes in the littlest things, like music or our favorite sport, or he’s not too thrilled about the fact that I’m vegetarian and don’t know how to surf. This goes hand in hand with throwing out your “checklist” of finding the perfect guy to meet all the marks; the perfect person doesn’t exist, and if yours is someone who you envision having everything in common with, you’re going to be wildly disappointed and perpetually single.
Allow yourself to be attracted to someone different from you. The person you’ll probably have to fight with over who’s DJing your road trip, or watch football from separately when your teams play each other. These should never be dealbreakers, and dating someone who you don’t have everything in common with can also potentially teach you something new about yourself!
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5. Moving In Together Before Marriage Isn’t The Worst Idea
Okay. So. I consider this one as a definite secret, because it’s completely opinion-based on my end, as statistics have previously shown that there’s a high number of people who live together before marriage end in divorce. However, I’ve done it twice and I truly swear by it as one of my dating secrets. I’d also like to note that these statistics were performed without taking into account how long the couple had been together before moving in together, which, to me, the length of your relationship is an imperative part of cohabiting.
*I know that this is the second tip on this list that is potentially discourteous to a lot of religious beliefs (the first being sex before marriage), but they’re personal “dating secrets” that I’ve learned over time from experiences, research, and the behavior of my single peers that I believe can be beneficial to many people who are okay with pre-marital sex and cohabiting.
I’ve lived with two boyfriends, each of whom I thought I would eventually marry, and I have one that I never lived with. From my experience, you learn a lot about someone by living with them; it’s different from if you guys sleep at each other’s places every night, that’s just a toe testing out the waters. You still have your space, they still have theirs, the days are still ahead of you where you’re fighting over dirty dishes and the fact that he threw in a red shirt with your white laundry. Cohabiting is an entirely different ballgame.
You learn patience (a lot of it), you see the way the other person operates in their comfort zone at all times, and you learn how to work as a team; stressful things like untangling Christmas tree lights or building an entertainment center can really show you a lot about the other person and, in my opinion, greatly prep you for married life.
Another example to add to why I think it’s a good idea is the boyfriend I never lived with. We were happily in love and saw each other as unicorns amongst earthly horses. We had been together for a year when he booked a job in Atlanta, and I went to visit him for 3 weeks.
Three weeks. Three weeks was how long it took to break up our somewhat long-term relationship. I saw him under pressure when something broke, we realized we are COMPLETELY different people in terms of how we like to keep our personal space, and we got in numerous arguments over things we never knew we disagreed on so strongly in terms of cohabiting. I feel as though we both dodged a bullet, just by seeing what it would be like to live together.
It’s obviously important to know someone to their core before marriage, and I don’t think there’s a more intimate way to do that than to live together first. However, as I mentioned above, it is imperative that you don’t take this step until waaaay down the line of your relationship. Don’t jump the gun on this one, because it’s the most massive pre-marriage step you can take, instead give yourselves years beforehand to know if and when you’re ready.
To reflect, open up about past relationships. They were a big part of you. Don’t shame yourself for having sex early on; it doesn’t always end in disaster. Don’t pay attention to the compatibility (or lack thereof) of your zodiac signs. You don’t need to only date people who you have everything in common with. And, lastly, moving in together before marriage IS a good idea. I hope these dating secrets give you a little more perspective on the modern world of dating!
On the topic of secrets, do you have a crush on a friend or co-worker? Click thiscrush.net for a network where you can set up a profile and have people anonymously express their crush for you and vice-versa!
